GoGo Gaga-dget.

Lady Gaga covered Rolling Stone’s May 2011 issue, and, naturally, it was a very defensive article (at least the excerpt was; the issue isn’t actually out until May 27th), passive and aggressive. She points (or they report, your call) to a new inspiration, and the article reads:

…Gaga reveals that she’s recently derived a lot of inspiration from an unlikely source: Rocky IV. “My favorite part is when Apollo’s ex-trainer says to Rocky, ‘He is not a machine. He’s a man. Cut him, and once he feels his own blood, he will fear you.’ I know it sounds crazy, but I was thinking about the machine of the music industry. I started to think about how I have to make the music industry bleed to remind it that it’s human, it’s not a machine.”

So she’s saying that she’s not a machine and music isn’t a machine, nor is their industry. And for legitimacy she memorized the whole quote from the movie. Evidently, it’s inspiring for her, causing her to drop craaaazy, quality, musically innovative and challenging new songs like “Judas”, and “Born This Way”; and even the new #3 single on the Billboard: “The Edge of Glory” which made a conveniently quick climb to its current position within its first week.

Oh man! Good thing for Rocky IV! Holy shit, I thought you were going to release the same formula forever (IntroVerseChorusBreakVerseChorusBridgeChorusChorusOutrothat’sthesameastheintro), but God damn Sylvester Stallone has saved the day once again! Fuck!

She furthers her whole, “I’m not a fucking machine” point with another musical-passion-laden-point meant to blindside and convert dubious readers:

“When I am not onstage I feel dead,” she says. “Whether that is healthy or not to you, or healthy or not to anyone, or a doctor, is really of no concern to me. I don’t feel alive unless I’m performing, and that’s just the way I was born.”

Buuut, this sounds machine-like to me more than passionate. Wait a minute, lady, so what you’re trying to say is that you have realized a single function for yourself, and you feel “dead” (deactivated, maybe?) when you’re not carrying out that function?

I mean, you’ve got the fact that you feel useless or empty, or “dead” unless you’re fulfilling a certain one function (performing; specifically, on stage). My computer seems pretty dead unless I want it to do something for me. Bulldozers don’t seem doze anything unless called upon. Wrecking-balls don’t move or wreck shit without something to wreck–i.e.: relevant purpose. Object->function. Gaga->music. Really, you kind of pidgeon-holed yourself.

Oh, and machines aren’t concerned about their health (well, maybe Terminators) either.

There’s also the fact that you’re (at least part) human. You’ve got some insecurity somewhere, and clearly there’s a level of scrutiny here that’s worth bringing up the topic of musical-mechanization as it relates to yourself. And you defending this point so… emptily, only leads me to believe that you defend it because: A) it’s a criticism that bothers you professionally, B) it’s a criticism that bothers you personally, or C) you really think that you’re taking the machine out of music.

But you’re totally a machine, Gaga. You’re with fucking Interscope for shit’s sake, which is owned by UMG. Are you kidding me? You personify the music-machine. You have photographers sign a release for pictures of you at concerts. You wear dresses made of meat. You sing lyrics that are so straightforward that they only have meaning because people second guess it, thinking that can’t be all she’s trying to say and then reinterpret it to give you the benefit of the doubt.

That’s not passion. That’s not music. That’s not love for an art form. All you’re doing is embodying juxtapositions of two or three otherwise unrelated things (dresses and meat, for example), letting people run with it developing their own opinions and beliefs, then throwing a fit when criticized for uglying the music industry saying “YOU JUST THINK I’M UGLY NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I LOVE WAHHHHHH.” And then your dumbass fans go, “Hey leave her alone she was born this way.”

It’s totes obvi at this point that I’m going where many other critics have tread: she’s a shock-value/attention/money grubbing robot. And she already kamikazes the hull of this point, whining:

“I have attention,” she says, and begins addressing her critics directly. “Is it that you believe that I am attention-seeking or shock for shock’s sake, or is it just that it’s been a long time since someone has embraced the art form the way that I have? Perhaps it’s been a couple of decades since there’s been an artist that’s been as vocal about culture, religion, human rights, politics. I’m so passionate about what I do, every bass line, every EQ.

No, Lady. God dammit, why don’t you get it? Please, man, just get it. Okay, one more try at being succinct and not ranting:
It’s that you’re with fucking Interscope and your music is nothing special. You can’t line those two things up under one artist, combine it with ridiculous “fashion” and attitudes expect it to seem genuine.

I own Monster-whatthefuckever and I’ve followed your new bull-ish. The whole time I’ve been hoping, “alright, she just needs into the industry, and then she’ll get to be a more honest artist.” But it’s the same shit, over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.

You’re no more vocal than anyone else, and for you to say so is fucking obnoxious, delusional, and arrogant. For one, you’re ignoring every other artist from every other art form, which is a big no-no as far as respect goes (give none get none). You’ve literally done nothing for music. You took other genres and made an awkward conglomerate genre that whores itself on being catchy and punchy. But nothing as far as free music goes. You’ve never disappointed fans, you’ve never “done your own thing”, and your all about selling max records as well as making a shit-load of money performing. Look at Pretty Lights and Pretty Lights records before you talk about how much you’ve done. Jesus, Lil Wayne’s done more than you as far as activism goes. He went and helped in New Orleans, you made bracelets.

Let’s have some fun just thrust that stick; I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

This reads, “fuck me fuck me, harder faster”. But noooooo, it couldn’t be that! Holy shit, she’s probably just saying that women are objectified and this is the only acceptable attitude for them to don under many social circumstances. Oh! Or maybe it’s acting as a reflective surface, showing us what our media is telling us daily–thank God for Gaga-vision!

Fuck off. This shit belongs in an 8th grade classroom.

She wraps up the last block-quote with:

Why is it that you don’t want more from the artist, why is it that you expect so little, so when I give and give, you assume it’s narcissistic?”

Nonono. No no no no no. I expect more than you could ever imagine from my artists. And no matter how much you give, giving the way you do: it will never be good music in my ears.

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